why are so many people jaded? is it a way to protect themselves from the horrors of this world? while danger lurks beneath the surface of every corner

the sense of doom comes and goes. moving on is the same as giving up, both with negative reactions later in my timeline. I want to see my friends. it's all too much though, for when I see my friends I shut down and stop responding. I want everything to be in order or all has to be a chaotic mess. bits of life fly past me as I see everyone doing something while I continue to do nothing. I hear what people are saying and see the words that have been written but I fail to comprehend the meaning. when I am like this, every little noise that I don't invite into my environment is nerve wracking and gives me an earache.

September first I arrive in Portland for the first time last year. The trip was meant to only last as a visit for a week or two and I was to travel cross the states with my father. We hadn't been on a trip together since my sister and I were children.

Before my family moved to Palmer in 1993 we lived in Chugiak in a trailer. We had chickens and turkeys and one day when I was two or three I was chased by one that was as tall as I was and after I fell it pecked a giant hole into my knee.

For pets, my sister had a black cat while I had a white rabbit.